Been there

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Posts by Been there

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  12

  My 1,000th post!

  by Insomniac in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  so, i've hit this big ol' milestone.

  am i a jedi or a wookie or an ewok or something now?

  how's that stuff work?.

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  Been there

  Congratulations!
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  24

  What would you do?

  by lola28 in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  okay guys i need your help.

  here is the story, i work in auto insurance and i have a client that has been giving me problems.

  about two months ago this guy called in for a quote i gave him a quote and hoped that he would not like it and go else where.

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  Been there

  Next time you talk to him just say "Dear sir, when talking to me please remember who will be taking care of your claim when you have an accident."
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  13

  Infidelity

  by Been there in

  1. social
  2. relationships

  hi all, i am coming here to seek some help sorting out my feelings, emotions and try to put the million thoughts in my head into some sort of order.

  i already did a lot of the grieving 5 years ago when i suspected so it is not as painful now that i know for sure, facts are usually not as good as what the wife with many lonely hours can dream up in her imagination.

  this may get long, sorry.

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  Been there

  I'm here and reading your replies but right now my brain is just to tired (foggy) to answer anyone. I appreciate your kindness and support. Keep it coming.
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  6

  Sad, Mad, Glad - The Death of Love?

  by wanderlustguy in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  sad, mad, glad, the death of a love.

  i had heard this so many times before.

  mad stage 2sometimes the hardest to get to.

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  Been there

  Something to think about. Thanks WLG.
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  60

  Im Sad! My Mom is slowly dying from a rare disease!

  by ButtLight in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  she has something called, corticobasildegeneration.

  yeah i know what a name!

  its a disease that shrinks the brain, and there is no cure for it!

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  Been there

  I am so sorry Buttlight,

  That would be a horrible thing to watch. My father-in-law had Alzhiemers for years. Seeing them daily you often don't realize how far down they are because compared to yesterday they aren't much different but from month to month the change is much more noticeable.

  It is so painful to watch the one you love still be there but not know who you are. It becomes a very long process of letting go. If there is a support group near you it might help you emotionally and they will have ways to best help your Mom. You need to protect her now by not letting her be alone and having access to things that will hurt her (cig. & lighter), maybe you could get her on the Patch to help her quit. If it was my fil we could have told him he just had one.

  Take care of yourself physically and emotionally, you are in for a long ride. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  Been there
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  13

  Infidelity

  by Been there in

  1. social
  2. relationships

  hi all, i am coming here to seek some help sorting out my feelings, emotions and try to put the million thoughts in my head into some sort of order.

  i already did a lot of the grieving 5 years ago when i suspected so it is not as painful now that i know for sure, facts are usually not as good as what the wife with many lonely hours can dream up in her imagination.

  this may get long, sorry.

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  Been there

  Thanks all, I got to get to sleep but he is acting weird. I have never seen this man in my living room. He talked more tonight then he has in 20 years. Think of the story about Scrooge waking up on christmas morning. If I didn't know better I'd say he was high. Ok now I'm confused.
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  13

  Infidelity

  by Been there in

  1. social
  2. relationships

  hi all, i am coming here to seek some help sorting out my feelings, emotions and try to put the million thoughts in my head into some sort of order.

  i already did a lot of the grieving 5 years ago when i suspected so it is not as painful now that i know for sure, facts are usually not as good as what the wife with many lonely hours can dream up in her imagination.

  this may get long, sorry.

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  Been there

  Thanks everyone for your replies.

  Things don't seem so easy and clean cut to me since it did happen so long ago the sex 5 years ago does not seem to be the big issue for me. It is the constant lieing he did since to cover it up. That was long term and incidious. So long of trying to make me the crazy one, that was cruel to do to someone you say you love. With friends like that who needs enemies.

  He seems really energetic about changing himself. He is taking control of getting counciling set up etc. since I said he created the mess, now he can put forth the effort to fix it, I will follow. Even if I don't stay, I am hoping he will be better for himself.

  Sassy, don't waste too much time if you don't think it will work. It's not good to look back thinking you wasted so much time on wishful thinking.

  Thegoodgirl. I remember your story. yep sounded fishy to me too. Keep up on that, it is amazing what they can do. So true about the power flipping. It could just be the honeymoon stage. Kinda like a little kid that has a clean conscience, light and airy. On a high. We shall see.
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  13

  Infidelity

  by Been there in

  1. social
  2. relationships

  hi all, i am coming here to seek some help sorting out my feelings, emotions and try to put the million thoughts in my head into some sort of order.

  i already did a lot of the grieving 5 years ago when i suspected so it is not as painful now that i know for sure, facts are usually not as good as what the wife with many lonely hours can dream up in her imagination.

  this may get long, sorry.

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  Been there

  WLG,

  He was never a witness. I was raised a witness.

  You are right, I will never know for sure but he had never acted like that before and hasn't since. He no longer is away from home.

  I saw something change in him this weekend. Like I said I watched him grow up, for many many unhappy years I felt like I was married to a 16-20 year old. I don't know if it is just that his concience is clear now (no thanks to him) but he finally took full responsibility for what he did. He wants to remain married to me and will do what ever it takes. I was free 5 years ago.........I just didn't know it. If after some counciling I choose to stay, I will be on my terms. I didn't kick him out, Why? The only thing different from Friday to Saturday was the truth...He went in a liar and came out an honest man. One is much better then the other so now we move forward, where? I don't know for sure but atleast we are moving. I will have alot of trust issues to work thru but will it be for the cheater or the the man that looked me in the eye for 5 years and told lie after lie to save his butt so he wouldn't hurt me? or both?
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  13

  Infidelity

  by Been there in

  1. social
  2. relationships

  hi all, i am coming here to seek some help sorting out my feelings, emotions and try to put the million thoughts in my head into some sort of order.

  i already did a lot of the grieving 5 years ago when i suspected so it is not as painful now that i know for sure, facts are usually not as good as what the wife with many lonely hours can dream up in her imagination.

  this may get long, sorry.

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  Been there

  
  Hi all, I am coming here to seek some help sorting out my feelings, emotions and try to put the million thoughts in my head into some sort of order. I already did a lot of the grieving 5 years ago when I suspected so it is not as painful now that I know for sure, facts are usually not as good as what the wife with many lonely hours can dream up in her imagination.

  This may get long, sorry.

  I found out for sure a couple days ago that my husband of 25 years was unfaithful to me. It didn't just happen, it was in 2000. I as a woman knew in my heart it had. God gave woman an extra little micro chip that goes off in their gut when things like this happen. He was behaving odd. He worked for a company that made them travel. He would live out of town for months at a time in his own apartment, so in essence he was living the single life coming home on weekends, maybe 2 or 3 weekends out. He did that for almost 3 years. It's was a very very lonely depressing time in my life because I was not single but I wasn't married either, I was in limbo at home working and taking care of the house.

  I started to get suspicious at the 2nd place he was at but being sometimes being as far as 500 miles away of course I could never catch him in anything but he left a long trail of odd behavior and weird coincidences. This girl was 26 he was 45 (mid-life crisis???), she was a co-worker he was a supervisor (not hers but can you say sexual harassment) she dressed in a way that was teasing/pleasing to his eyes. He is a boob man. The warehouse rules were very lacks, they drank a lot there after work and partied. One party got out of hand, they were drunk, sexual tension was already high, she made the first move and the deed got done, with the ice broke, the deed got done again for a second time a couple weeks later after another warehouse party they went to his place. That was it (I believe him), two counts of liquid courage sex and his guilt got the best of him or curicosity was no longer a factor, I don't know. I knew the one weekend he came home he was different. I didn't know who, I didn't know what but I knew. He couldn't bring himself to have sex with her anymore, he was afraid he would get caught so they backed it off to where he felt comfortable guilt wise. When she needed money or he wanted a peek, he would put money down her shirt. He got visual pleasure she got money - prostitution???? He kissed them once for $40. This was all done at work.

  He left there and was sent to New York to start a job up, he was suppose to be there 5 weeks that turned into 6 months of a living hell for both of us. Three weeks into it she was transfered up there to be a secretary, he snuck her and her things up there and didn't tell me because I was so suspicious anyway, it would have really made me mad. I did find out the same day. I was very very mad. He had decieved me tried to get one over on me. He is married!!! I didn't know but he knew he had done the deed months earlier but he had to keep covering his a$$ with lies.

  He finally moved home, things settled down. Seven months later I found an email he had sent her the day after our 21st wedding anniversary. (he was not to have any contact with her) Saying how he missed her, thought of her often (yah I bet) would like to see her again and give her a big hug signed it "I still love you, (his name). Then right after sent another to let her know she could still email him at his old email address. He had quit the company but still had an active email address there. I was livid. From that day on he had broke my trust, now I had real proof of something but what? I was on a mission to get to the truth.

  Off and on for 4 years I have tried to get to get him to come clean. Hundreds of questions, hundreds of denials, hundreds of lies. I was not going to get what I needed to know out of him. I could not move on with all the doubts, I could not stay in limbo anymore. If he did, I wanted to know, if he didn't I wanted to stop punishing him. Polygraph. He took the lie to two days ago when he confessed to the polygraph guy and I had to pay $350 to have some stranger tell me my husband cheated. He didn't even have the test done because he did confess, he wanted the test to see if he could pass but the guy didn't need to.

  Funny as it sounds, I saw my husband grow up that day. He has been completely honest with me now about all my re asked hundreds of questions and details over the weekend. A huge weight has been lifted from our marriage and we can start to heal what ever direction it will go. He said he was prepared to take the secret to his death and he prayed regularly to die before I could find out. Little did he know I prayed to the same God to let me get the truth. I win!!!!! just kidding. We will get counciling to work this out one way or the other. I didn't kick him out because I didn't want him off the hook so easily, he needed to share in the pain he had caused. I grieve the lose of the miserable marriage I once had. I feel he will be an active part of the new marriage if we so choose to continue with a clean slate. He said he could never tell me because he knew our marriage would be over and I would kick out. He never wanted her for anything but selfish gratification. He killed our marriage 5 years ago when he crossed the line he just didn't let me bury it till Saturday.

  I think I can be over the sexual acts since it is long over and I have never suspected him since. Knowing the facts now it maybe hard to get the pictures out of my head for a while but now I have a place to start letting go from. I am angry that he didn't let me play by the same new rules he was playing by. I wouldn't have but he didn't give me the option because HE didn't want to lose me (doesn't matter if I already lost him).

  Questions: When did the affair really end? Five years ago or Saturday?? When the sex stopped or when the lies and cover up stopped.?

  Is there browny points for coming clean finally or does the fact he still would have continued to deceive and lie if it wasn't for the lie detector test.

  Can you separate the physical cheating and the lies and deception after or are they one and the same? He had to keep lieing to hide what he had done. Am I married to a liar (I know he lied) or someone that had something to hide? If I was clueless that would have been different but he was confronted with many things several times. Was the sex the bad thing or 5 years of lieing to my face? Where is the real betrayal?

  Who is this man?

  Thank you so much for getting this far if you did.
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  14

  How do you deal with regret?

  by sonnyboy in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i'm wondering if anyone here has devised good techniques for handling regret.. i've been thinking about high school a lot lately, and "what could have been" is eating away at me.

  i still had the dub mentality, and i didn't really associate with many people.

  i was constantly called a 'snob' because i kept to myself, and i had people asking me to do things after school all the time, people who could have been life-long friends.

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  Been there

  
  It's hard when things get stuck in your brain.

  I find this helpful.

  Make a list of your regrets. I find alot of times writing things down get them out of your head. If you can sincerely appologize to any of the people, do so. If the people can't be reached you can write down what you did to hurt them. Say why you are sorry and maybe how you would have handled the situation now that you are older and wiser, put it in an envelope, seal it and put it away in a box labeled "regrets". Someday you will find that you forgive yourself and will be able to get rid of your box of envelopes, burning them is usually cleansing.

  Don't be too hard on yourself for your younger years, that is why it is called growing up. You are growing in the right direction when you recognize you have caused pain. Repair damage if you can, forgive yourself if you can't and know you are a better person from here on out.

  It may also help to know that what was earth stopping to you...............noone else remembers. What would you tell someone who did the samething you did to regret? Tell it to yourself. I think you will find that you would be much more lienient (sp) to them then you are yourself.

  You will be fine.

  (edited to add) Frannie said in one paragraph what took me 5. Yah what she said exactly.